I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
