I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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