i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
