My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
