Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
