apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
