watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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