Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she looked like the before picture.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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