You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
