theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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