can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
