I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
