I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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