Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
