i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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