You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
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We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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