I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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