I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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