Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
