my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
its not stalking. its research.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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