the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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