I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.