You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
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We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
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You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER