They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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