i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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