I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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