i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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