He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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