did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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