apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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