so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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