he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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