She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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