mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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