the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
