im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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