3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
