we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
