3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
barbara walters just said penis...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
