Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
