garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
