If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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