I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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