I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
