If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
