Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
