We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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