I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
