Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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