Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
