She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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