so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
