So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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