Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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